TWO BLACK EYES FOR A FAVOR

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened. The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks. "Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

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TWELVE INCH RADIO JOKE

A guy calls into a radio station and he says he has a joke for the DJ. The DJ goes, “Alright, let's hear it.” The guy goes, “What has a 2 inch penis and hangs down?” The DJ says, “I dunno, what?” The guy says, “A bat. What has a 12 inch penis and hangs up?” The DJ replies, “I dunno, what?” Next thing the DJ hears is a dial tone.

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SMALL TOWN JUSTICE

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. ''But officer,'' the man said, ''I can explain.'' ''Just be quiet!!!'' snapped the officer. ''Or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.'' ''But officer, I just wanted to say...'' ''And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!'' A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, ''Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a great mood when he gets here.'' ''Don't count on it,'' said the prisoner. ''I'm the groom.''

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PHOTO TRAP

A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car. He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40. A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.

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OLD MAN AND THE PUNK

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''

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PLASTERED LAWYERS

Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall? A: It depends how hard you throw them.

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OSAMA IS CELEBATE

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives? Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

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CLINTON GETS PISSED OFF

Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and written in urine was ''The president must go.'' Bill Clinton storms into his office and demaned to know who did it. So his two body guards run out to find out who it was. Five hours later the two gaurds come back in, they told Bill, ''We have some bad news, and we have worse news.'' ''What is the bad news?'' asked Bill. ''Well, the bad news is, we took a urine test, and it was his vice-president, Al Gore." " Whats the worst news?" asked Bill. The worst news is that it is Hillary's hand writing!"

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LUCKY MOTHERDUCKER

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons. This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death. He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one. This farmer also had two ducks. These ducks were retarded. They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal. He told his sons that whoever could get the most money for the duck would go to college. The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could. The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard. The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks. He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son decided this was very good, so he took it. He decided his brother wouldn't be able to get close to his success. The second son was walking and passed a whorehouse. He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck. One girl said fine. After they fucked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore. The son said he would take the duck back if they fucked again. She agreed. After they fucked the second time, the son left. He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash. The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car. The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusely. The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck. She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off. When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got. He proudly displayed the 10 dollars. The farmer was impressed. He asked the second son the same thing. "That's nothing. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 25 dollars for a fucked up duck."

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